Tuesday, May 7, 2013

It's all about putting on your big girl panties and dealing....

......that's where I stand today.  The next five weeks will not be about running or exercise.  WAIT A MINUTE!!! WHAT!?!?!?!  Yep, you read it right.  I am struggling with this big time.  I had minor surgery last week and it requires me to take six weeks off for recovery.  Most people would not care, they would just go about their day to day.   This is huge for me.  I LIVE to work out!  But~you deal with what you got.  It's not the end of the world.  I got this!  

Here's the silliness that goes with this.  
-I'm afraid of getting weaker in my workouts
-I DO NOT want to get slower in my runs
-I WANT to work my ass off this summer and get into my best shape.

This is going to take a lot of hard work and effort on my part, a HUGE commitment, and most importantly some crazy self discipline.

 I will do this!

My blog's name is my mantra for the year.  Little did I know that five months into 2013 would have taken on such an emotional roller coaster.  
February 12, 2013 - I received a phone call that changed my life forever!  A very close and dear best friend was in the hospital and he outlook was not good.  There is no other way to describe how I felt other than heart broken.  What the hell?!?!  This kind of stuff does not happen.  I spent the next 2 days at the hospital on and off and then got the phone call that it was time to say goodbye.  HOW? WHAT? WHY?   I sit here writing this and it's been almost 3 months and I still feel the same way.  Heartbroken, empty, sad, confused, did I mention heartbroken.  
Anne Marie Melton is my soul mate.  From day one we had a connection that was unbreakable.  We've had so many good/crazy times.  She's been my voice of reason,, my cheerleader, my fashion consultant, a shoulder to cry on, my VBS co-pilot, and a piece of my heart.  
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her.  I still talk to her daily and consult her in big decisions.  I'm still waiting for her to walk through the door and tell me it's all ok.  After I woke from surgery I was so confused.  I felt like she was there with me, like we were having conversations.  I couldn't understand what was going on, damn drugs!  Later I realized she was with me...telling me to put on my BIG GIRL PANTIES AND DEAL!  She comforted and protected me.  Anne Marie, I love you girl!

That was the first big hurdle for the year.  I thought ok, I can deal with this with the help of family and good friends.  THANK GOD for them!

April 2, 2013- I had a routine doctor visit and again thought no big deal.  I walked out of that office that day not knowing what the heck was going onOnce again my life was turned upside down.  They had discovered a mass and immediately sent me in for an ultrasound, and then immediately after that and MRI.  After the doctor decided he didn't like the MRI we scheduled surgery.  One problem here....I had my first half marathon in less than two weeks.  There was no way on hell I was giving that up.  I had worked too hard.  We scheduled surgery for May 1st.   So, for the rest of the month this dumb mass was always in the forefront of my thoughts.  I played through all kind of what ifs.  That's normal, right?  May 1st came and went and surgery went well.  A little  invasive than they originally thought, another mass was found, amongst some other things.  Thankfully I only had to spend the next week playing through all the what if scenarios.  My heart seriously hurt.  I had to lay every fear that I had in God's hands, and tell him to please give me the strength to get through whatever this is.  He did just that.  I went today to my post-op and the masses were benign, and everything else is manageable.  WOOHOO!  I cried.  So happy to know that I have bright future ahead.  This was a very humbling experience and I;m happy to report that I DID put on my girl panties and deal.

==  TODAY ==
I'm full of mixed emotions.  My baby brother, Tyler, is getting ready to leave for basic training.  It's hitting home and getting real.  From the time Tyler was a baby we've always had a special bond.  It's weird, really  hard to describe.  Tyler has a special place in my heart and that will never change.  I have watched him grow from a sweet little boy to a kind hearted young man.  I respect his decision to go into the army more than he knows.  It's exciting because I know we will see more growth in him.  Tyler, please remember how much I love you while you are away.  Don't ever forget your roots.  Where you came from and how you were raised is so important.  It's made you who you are today.  You have been through life experiences that some can't even fathom and they have made you stronger than you realize.  
Again, this is making me put on the big girl panties and deal.  

 So, there it is.  My emotional roller coaster.  To some of you, you may be thinking "no big deal," but for me these events were huge.  Life changing in my eyes.  

Jen :)

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